Question: My 5 year is always excited to go to  pre-school, but lately is complaining that she doesn’t want to go. Yesterday she was screaming and crying and refused to go to school. This morning after staying home yesterday, she began complaining again. When I told her that l wouldn’t be home today, she finally went. When l ask her about why she doesn’t want to go she just says, “I don’t like it”. What should l do?

When a child has always been happy at school, and suddenly starts complaining, there may be something bothering him/her that s/he cannot verbalize. A parent should take these complaints seriously and find out from the teacher or the school what is going on. This can be difficult to do and there are many reasons why a child may not be happy in school. Obviously not every child will “love” school but s/he shouldn’t be overly reluctant to go.

You know your child better than anyone else, so don’t be reassured by the child’s teacher that everything is fine. Ask the teacher if your child has friends and if she is participating in class. Has she been able to keep up with what the class is learning? Ask general questions about your child’s day to see where some of the issues may be. If you are not getting a complete picture, ask the school if you can come to observe the class. You can also speak to other mothers in the class to see if their children are happy. Talk to several mothers, talk to other teachers, keep asking until you get the answers you need.

Why is Your Child Complaining?

My daughter has a very outgoing and generally positive and happy four-year-old. She has always been happy in playgroup and preschool but at the beginning g of the year, she started a new school. After a few months, she started complaining that she didn’t want to go to school which was very unusual. When my daughter spoke to me about this, she told me that her daughter had 24 children in her class.

Right away that set off a warning bell for me because l knew her child. My daughter works and has a caretaker meet her child after school. Because I know this child, I understood that she needed to be in a smaller group with more individual attention. l suggested that my daughter switch her to a new school where the class sizes are smaller. Now she has ten children in her class and is as happy as ever.

Know Your Child

The key is knowing the child, his or her needs and figuring out what would be best for his/her personality and needs.

This does not mean that we have to jump every time a child complains that they don’t want to go to school. All children have their off days and it’s normal for a child to ask to stay home once in a while. And there is nothing wrong with letting him/her stay home once in a while. However if a child is truly distressed, it is wise to try and find what is bothering the child.

Here are some areas that may be possible concerns:

1) What is your child’s relationship with the teacher?

If your child is a preschooler, the teacher is the center of your child’s day. If your child feels negatively or ambivalent about his/her teacher, perhaps you can do something to encourage the relationship. You know what is meaningful to your child and perhaps you can give the teacher some tips on how to approach your child. If you stay in touch with the teacher and check in with her on a regular basis, the relationship is most likely to blossom and grow.

2) Does your child have friends in school?

Many children. are shy and may have difficulty making friends in school. You can encourage friendships by making play dates for your child with other children. outside of the school day. Plan an ice breaking activity such as cookie baking or some other activity where you can be involved and help build the relationship. If your child is exhibiting negative behaviors which cause other children to stay away, help your child understand acceptable behavior. There are social skills groups that help children that are having social difficulties.

3) Your child may have friends but might have a classmate that is bullying your child or several children in the classroom.

First try to get as much information as you can from your child. Teachers may not be aware of bullying in the classroom. Bullies have an uncanny of doing so in a way that no one else can detect. If you suspect bullying here is a fantastic book by the award winning Carrie Goldman. Although the insights in the book are researched based, Goldman writes in a straightforward way and helps parents get to the root of the problem. She gives the strategies, language and tools that  schools and parents need to approach the bully and the bullied, to end the vicious cycle.

4) Keeping up with the class curriculum.

Children are very aware if they are not doing well in school. They might even perceive themselves as stupid and are not aware of developmental stages. Some children. develop more slowly or quicker than others. Your child may be struggling or even bored. Speak to your child’s teacher to see if your child is keeping up. Many preschools ha e early intervention programs that may determine why your child is struggling. You can ask the teacher for supplementary activities to review with your child at home. If your child is bored, ask the teacher to provide enrichment activities or provide the teacher with additional materials.

5) The class or school is not the right fit.

When your child is young it is much easier to switch his class or school than when he/she enters the public school system. If a school does not seem to be working for your child, first see if you can get to the bottom of the issue and work it out from there. Switching schools is a possibility but be careful here as all schools have their stronger and weaker points. Try to work with the school to solve the problem. This will serve you well as the child gets older and the options are fewer. However if you truly feel that another school would be better for your child, then by all means, make the switch.

These are some likely reasons as to why your child may be complaining about school. However there could be others. Do your due diligence and you will find the right solution for your child.

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