How to Cure a Teen Suffering From a Lack of Self Awareness

Is your teen becoming more and more difficult to be around? Is s/he self-involved, suffering from a lack of self-awareness and sending out an overabundance of negative energy?

Does s/he complain that you are not doing anything for him or her and that in fact, his or her life would be better off without you? At the very moment that s/he is benefitting from the very resources that you work so hard to provide, s/he rejects any acknowledgment of everything that you do for him/her.

The first thing that every parent needs to know is that to a certain extent, this is normal. It is a developmental stage in the adolescent cycle. Teens, in order to become adults, need to separate from their parents who have loved them and cared for them.

At the same time, teens can often become self-involved and uncommunicative. They seem to be unaware of all of the sacrifices that you have made to provide for them on a daily basis.

This is not an easy transition for parents and teens alike. The relationship changes because it cannot remain the same. If it did, your child could never grow up and become independent. At the same time, this can strain the relationship between parents and teens because it is a painful process for both parties.

Do Not Get Pulled into the Negativity

So the first thing to do to help your teen when he/she is seemingly being so difficult is to remain calm and not get pulled into their negativity. Remember that they are having a difficult time navigating this new stage in their lives. They need you to be a “sea of calm” in this new and frightening world that they have entered.

Often times your teen may make unreasonable requests. This might mean asking for expensive clothes or items or being adamant that their weekly curfew should be reset to 12:00 am.

Communication with Your Teen is Key

When your teen makes an unreasonable request, try not to scoff at them and make them feel that the request was ridiculous. Rather, first listen to why they want something, and then talk it out with them:

“Mom, I need $250 to buy a new dress”

You: “Oh what do you need a new dress for?”

“My friend is having a party at her house in two weeks”

“Oh, and you need a new dress?”

“Yes. All of my other ones are out of style and I need something current”

Oh, I see. Well, I really want you to look nice. I think that our budget doesn’t allow for $250 but let’s look online (or go shopping on Sunday) and hopefully we’ll find something that you like that is more in line with our budget”

“But I really wanted that one”

“Oh honey, I wish I could get it for you but you know I am sure that we can find the perfect dress when we go shopping on Sunday. Why don’t you show me what you were thinking of so I can start looking for something similar.”

Your daughter may not get what she wanted, but she certainly got the understanding, love, and care that she needed from you. She may not show it and possibly sulk, but your message was clear and loving.

Imagine how the scene would have played out if you had responded to her request by saying,

“ What! $250 for a dress? Who do you think I am, a Rothchild? That’s ridiculous!”

You are Teaching your Teen about the World Around Him

A teen him/herself does not yet understand or even know what is appropriate to ask for. They do not yet understand that there are many ways to achieve the same goal. By your measured and attentive response, you are teaching your teen about the world around them. You are also showing them that their needs are important.

We don’t have to give our teens everything that they want. Not by any means. However, it is important to show them that their needs are important to us and that we are willing to listen and discuss them together. By doing so, we maintain the trust that they have for us and strengthen the relationship.

Peer Pressure becomes Paramount

This is not always as easy as it sounds. You will undoubtedly be tested in many areas. Peer pressure is very strong in the adolescent years and parents need to prepare for some of the outrageous requests that will come their way.

For instance, your curfew may definitely be challenged. Parents have a right to know where their children are and what they are doing. This is a conversation that you should have with your teen, sooner rather than later.

One day you are sure to hear, “so and so’s parents let him/her stay out until….

Again the important thing is to stay calm and really listen to what your teen is asking. There are so many things that come up during adolescence. Make the time to have some pre-emptive conversations about the many safety issues that teens have to navigate as they get older.

Have Discussions about Your Values

Have discussions about the qualities of good friends, about making good choices, about the importance of maintaining a good reputation, and about the consequences of making bad choices.

There are so many influences out there today. It is important that your teen has a very clear understanding of your values and what you think is important. In adolescence, your teen’s values will be tested by peers every day. So keep talking!

Teens often appear as though they are not listening or are reluctant to show their agreement. But it is important for you to keep talking about your values. You are still a very important influence in your child’s life.

Make sure that your teen doesn’t get the idea that you are rejecting them. When teens feel rejected or ridiculed by their parents, they turn to their friends for support. It is easier for teens to reject the values of their parents when they feel that their parents no longer support them.

Examine your Own Habits and Attitudes

Our children and our teens are very aware of what goes on around them. Your teen especially will notice any hypocrisy in the adults that they are close to. If you are engaging in habits that you are telling your teen to refrain from, you will have much less of a chance of being successful.

Your teens will do as you do and will be reluctant at this stage to agree to wait until they are older. If you are doing something that you don’t want your teen to be involved in, think carefully because you will not be able to hide it from your highly observant teen.

Plan Time to Talk to your Teen

Prepare to spend time talking to your teen. This may be difficult because of other obligations and family members. However, it is critical to your success. Arguments can happen when your teen makes a demand that must be met now, and you are busy with tasks that cannot be set aside.

Let your teen know when things are calm that you want to give your teen’s requests and needs your full attention. Explain that you have home obligations and that you can not always give your teen the attention that you want to at the time that s/he is asking.

Make a time that is suitable for both of you so that a request doesn’t turn into an argument. Your teen may not be happy to wait, but if you have spoken to him/her about your time restraints beforehand, he/she will understand.

Make sure that later you make the time to talk. Continuous communication with your teen will be crucial to your success.

Adolescence is a time of upheaval for both teens and parents. The withdrawal and negativity can be difficult for all concerned. However, making time to speak and keeping the lines of communication open is critical. By doing so, you are showing your teen that his/her needs are very important to you. By maintaining your calm you will have given your teen the stability and care that he needs to grow into the fine and confident adult that you have worked so hard to cultivate.

Please like and share this post!