How to Stop Parenting Like "One Size Fits All"

Stop parenting like we always have? Is that possible? Yes.

As I’ve mentioned, I work in a busy Middle School as a Student Services coordinator and a learning behavioral specialist. We have a student who currently has a difficult home situation and is causing a lot of trouble at school. He has been thrown out of almost every class and speaks horrifically to his teachers and even the principal.

I am often in his classroom and recently spoke to him privately when he was disruptive. I knew that entering into a power struggle with him would be counter productive. When I starting saying something like: “we really want you in the class, we don’t want to kick you out,” I was making motions with my hands. He saw that and starting mimicking me with his hands.

I knew clearly that although he was disrespectful, it was useless to call him out on this at that time. He seemed surprised that I didn’t say anything but just kept talking to him as if nothing had happened. He was uncomfortable and starting walking around the classroom, sitting in in an empty seat and then moving on to another.

As he walked around, I decided to meet him in the back of the room. I began taking to him sincerely, telling him that I didn’t think that this is what he wanted to be doing. In the long term, he had to come up with a different solution. He seemed to listen and I felt he saw that I wasn’t out to get him. I am sure that it didn’t make any long term difference in his behavior, but he did eventually go sit down and was more or less quiet the rest of the period.

Each Child is an Individual

Although we would never accept such behavior from another student, trying to discipline him would be counterproductive. It probably would have made things much worse. I will be the first to admit that this is not a long term solution. We do need to work on supporting him in a different way. The point is, that we have to stop parenting our kids and treating them in a “one size fits all” type of way.

Of course the goals in educating children are similar. We want our children to be productive members of society. We want them to have good manners, to be thoughtful and disciplined and to be successful family and community members. The goals may be similar helping each child according to his abilities. However the means to get there must be considered individually for each child.

This doesn’t mean that we have to completely stop parenting in the ways that we have done in the past. It just means that if we want long-lasting meaningful results, we have to take into account the individual qualities of the child. To take into account where he is at the moment, and how receptive he is to what we want of him/her.

Don’t Stop Parenting, Our Children Need Consistency and Guidance

If we are clear on our goals for our children from the beginning, we can avoid these unpleasant situations. If we are consistent in the way that we parent and know where we are going, it is more likely that our kids will do what we ask. It doesn’t mean that we use tyranny to get our kids to listen, but it does mean that we are firm and consistent.

When we parent with goals and consistency, we don’t have to stop parenting, but continue on the same path that we are on.

However, it is so important to look at our individual children and although we have similar goals for all of our children, to look at them as individuals. I am always amazed that children from the same family have such different personalities. Some children are naturally organized and punctual and others are the opposite. While we may have similar expectations for all of our children, we may just have to help some of our children much more than others.

If a child has difficulty with getting ready on time, you my have to give him/her support. You might have to wake him/her up a few minutes earlier than his/her siblings. You may have to make a list that s/he can follow and oversee him/her for several weeks until s/he gets the hang of things. S/he may need constant reminders to stay on track.

It is important to remember that just because we have set out clear goals and expectations for our children, that we can stop parenting. It does mean that our children know what we want and know what we expect. Some of our more organized kids may have trouble being flexible when things don’t go as smoothly as they had planned. These children need our support and guidance on how to deal with kinks in their plans.

Every Child Has an Area that Needs Our Guidance

Children need strategies to cope with disappointment. (For more about coping with disappointment read this)

Our disorganized child may be more laid back and flexible. It is important to recognize the character of each child and to help them where they are lacking. But first we have to accept that our children all have different needs and challenges and are not acting purposely to upset us. However, they do need our guidance and understanding in order to meet our expectations. So don’t stop parenting! Our kids need us to be patient but also to help them get to where we want them to be.

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With sensitivity and our willingness to help our children grow and develop, we can achieve our parenting goals. It’s not an easy challenge but one that is worth the effort. Never stop parenting and never stop believing how much your kids need your support and guidance. Wishing you all the luck on your parenting journey and in raising your precious children.

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