I had four daughters before I had my first son and my son was just as sweet as can be. I wondered why all of my friends complained about their “wild” boys.

One day, my four year old son built an elaborate Lego creation, the labor of many hours. After he finished, he proudly displayed to me the fruits of his labor. I hardly had time to eww and aww over his magnificent creation before he moved one foot backwards and, in one fell swoop, kicked the entire structure into hundreds of pieces. I was mortified!

My girls would also spend hours creating similar elaborate creations, but they reacted totally differently. After they showed me their beautiful creations, they asked me  to put each beautiful structure high on a shelf, out of  reach, so that no one would be able to destroy the wonderful products of their imagination.

I suddenly understood that indeed I have a boy.

Later I was to see in his tone of voice, and his actions, the breadth of his masculinity. Although he was on the quieter side, there were things that mattered to him more than to the girls. It was important to him that I heard him and he did not like playing second fiddle to his sisters. Fiercely independent, I learned patience as he learned to do things “himself.”

The Important Role of Moms

As mothers, we have the important job of allowing our sons to be men, respecting their masculinity and yet at the same time shaping them to be gentlemen.

My husband gave me a very interesting book recently called Boys Adrift by Dr. Leonard Sax. I think it is an important book for any mother that is raising boys today. His conclusions uproot many of the accepted ideas about the education of boys today.

Dr. Sax makes the case that there are two kinds of learning; experiential and knowledge based. In Europe both types of learning are widely accepted and integrated into the school system. Experiential learning or learning “in the wild” (outdoors)  is greatly valued. Not so in American schools.

There are over 50 years of research that suggest the necessity for multi sensory interaction with the real world for normal child development. This is particularly true for boys, and the lack of this type of learning can impair normal development.

I was just speaking to a mother of a five year old boy the other day. She told me that her son was on a “behavior plan” because he wasn’t sitting and paying attention in school! As an educator, it is clear to me that not every five year old child is ready to sit for hours at a time in a classroom.

If Your Young Boys Are Struggling in School

This is particularly true of boys who often have a much greater need to move around. If you have a five year old son who is not doing well in school, do him a favor and don’t register him for school until he is six. Dr Sax believes, that sometimes an extra year can make all of the difference.

Girls also need experiential learning, but deprived of it,  still do their homework and still engage in school, because pleasing the teacher is very rewarding for girls. However, boys deprived of experiential learning,  tend to disengage from school.

What’s even worse is that the shift towards knowledge based learning causes a decrease in school motivation for boys. Dr Sax explains that 30 years ago Attention Deficit Disorder was a relatively rare occurrence; less that one in a hundred! He maintains that many of the boys diagnosed with ADHD today, do not need drugs, but rather a change in curriculum that is developmentally appropriate, as well as teachers who understand how to teach boys.

Dr. Sax has some interesting recommendations. If your son is not thriving in kindergarten and the expectation is that he read by February, this school may not be a good fit for your active son.

Five Unique Negative Influences on Boys Today

In general, Dr. Sax found through his research, five things that are having a negative effect on our sons and are disengaging boys from school and life:

They are:

1) Not having experiential learning experiences (as mentioned above)

2) Spending long hours playing video games – Research shows  that video games cause boys to lack  motivation in school. Boys involved in video game do not play outside as much as they should. Dr Sax among others. recommend that parents find exciting alternatives for their children.

3) Prescribing drugs for young boys that have trouble sitting for hours in a classroom

4) Endocrine disruptors – Plastics water bottles  are dangerous because they leech estrogen into the water supply and these are endocrine disruptors. These disruptors have been found in the Potomac river near Washington DC. It seems that they have had a negative effect on the fish in the Potomac and that young men living in this area are impotent. Scary stuff!

Suddenly young girls in Puerto Rico are going through puberty as early as eight or nine years old! Tests indicate that this is caused by high levels of phthalates (six times higher) in the water supply compared to a much lower levels of phthalates in girls with normal development. Scientists also found emasculated male alligators in Florida with high levels of female hormones, due to the phthalates from water bottles.

5) The Loss of Positive Role Models – Boys need positive male role models. They need to learn how to be men from other older men and not from each other. When left to their own devices, young boys and men will often make the wrong choices. However when they receive direction from older men. they develop direction and purpose.

So the bottom line is that we need to recognize that sometimes when our sons are not doing well, it may be because the expectations that society places on young boys may not fit their genetic makeup.

It is important to acknowledge that we are not talking about equality here. We are talking about recognizing that not every situation is equally applicable to girls and boys with positive results.

Positive Traits to Teach Our Sons

We want to make sure that we are giving our sons the types of experiences that they need to develop into healthy young men who will be positive role models to their children and to society.

Dr Sax also related that in 2006 he gave the commencement address to the Avon Old Farms, boys school in Connecticut. He was surprised to see many girls in the audience. It turns out that many girls from neighboring coed schools would come to Avon to hang out. Dr. Sax asked them why they would come here when there were so any boys at their own schools?

The girls rolled their eyes and said that the boys at their own school were loud and obnoxious and losers. Dr Sax surprised, asked what was so different about the boys here?

The girls answered that the boys here were gentleman.. They apologized if they sounded old fashioned but the boys  strongly impressed them because they were gentlemen. “They stand up when we enter the room and open doors for us”. The girls said that they feel safe at the school and don’t fear that the boys will take advantage of them.

Dr. Sax made a point of saying that this school does not leave these things to chance. They make a point of teaching the boys to be gentleman. The boys are taught eight core values:

They are
Scholarship
Integrity
Civility
Tolerance
Altruism
Sportsmanship
Responsibility
Self-Discipline

How refreshing! Not all of us are privileged to be able to send our sons to such a school, but it is important that as Moms (and Dads), we expose our sons to these values. We need to find role models and ways to help our sons develop these important traits.

There are very few positive role models that boys see today. It is often negative traits that are celebrated by peers and the media. But with determination, it is possible to teach our sons and find good role models for them. Good luck and if you have found this article useful please like share and comment below.

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