I once wrote about the detrimental effects of moms feeling guilty. You can read more about this guilty parenting trap here.

But in reality, there is a silver lining to feeling guilty. It can be a bit tricky but it is still worth exploring. Beating ourselves up about past mistakes or failings is never NEVER productive. That doesn’t mean to say that we should forget about or ignore the mistakes that we have made. It is always good to review our past actions and make decisions for the future based on the past.

Like Businesses, We Need to Analyze our Mistakes Rather Than Feeling Guilty

It is in some ways like running a business. We review our mistakes to see how and where we went wrong. We then make positive decisions about the future based on our past behavior.

A business mistake might be in a faulty investment, in the division of labor, or in marketing or production. It may take a thorough investigation in order to determine what went wrong. But once the investigation is completed and all the data is evaluated, there will probably be some clear indicators.  These indicators tell the team where things went wrong.

When the indicators are broken down and analyzed, the company team can make adjustments to the system and begin to correct the mistakes and improve quality while generating greater profits. A successful company will continually repeat this process so that each system is fine-tuned and future mistakes can be avoided.

Of course as a company grows, and ventures into new arenas, it will probably make new mistakes in new areas and have to begin the process anew. This again will lead to improved systems and greater profits.

Stop Feeling Guilty

This cycle applies wholeheartedly to the guilty parent who feels that their parenting is not quite up to par. And here lies the silver lining for the parent that is stuck in the guilty parenting trap.

I once spoke to a mother who constantly doubted her parenting, and continually beat herself up. She felt guilty about her anxiety, about how she spoke to her kids and about how she was raising them.

I genuinely believe that if she only stopped feeling guilty about her parenting, her kids would be much better off. Kids don’t need guilty parents. They need confident parents who are strong and that believe that they are doing the best for their children.

They may not live up to that belief on a daily basis but they are working to be better each day. When kids sense this belief from their parents, then they can feel secure and can thrive even with parents who make mistakes, don’t always say the right things and could sometimes be better examples.

The True Silver Lining

So if that is the case where is the silver lining in feeling guilty? Good question! The silver lining is that like in any business, reviewing our mistakes helps us to improve and grow.

Most people when they make a mistake get a sinking feeling in their stomach and feel… Well, let’s just say not great. They may even feel guilty and upset. That feeling of guilt alerts us to the fact that something needs to change.

It shouldn’t set us off on a rant about how bad we are or how stupid we are. It should rather alert us to take note of what is bothering us and help us analyze what went wrong.

As a learning and behavioral specialist, I am educated in behavioral analysis- studying the factors that influence the behavior of individuals. It is a process that we can follow when we try to determine why a child is misbehaving.

We observe the child in order to analyze what happens right before a negative behavior occurs  (is there a trigger that sets off the behavior?) Then we look at what happens immediately after a negative behavior. Does the child receive any benefit or positive reinforcement for the negative behavior?

Once we know why a child is misbehaving, we can intervene and change the factors that influence the negative behaviors.

Use Analysis to Change for the Good

This is a similar process that we can use to change the way we relate to our own children.

Let’s say that we want to stop yelling at our children. So we need to ask ourselves the question, “When do I yell the most?” So let’s say I do an analysis. Perhaps I will write down the times that I yell the most over the span of a few days.

When I review the data, I may find that I yell mostly between 4 pm and 6 pm, while I am making dinner and giving baths. If I analyze the entire situation, I find that I am very hungry and quite tired at that time and the kids are getting cranky. I generally feel overwhelmed and am not my best self.

To stop yelling and restore calm read this: How to Stop the Yelling and Restore Calm

So now I ask myself, “What can I do to change this situation? If I think about it, there are a number of possibilities.

• Perhaps I can eat something substantial before the kids come home so that at least I am not hungry during the most demanding time of day. Or I can prepare a smoothie the night before and quickly drink it before I start the evening routine
• Perhaps I can hire a young girl for the busiest hour each day and she can help with baths, holding the baby or performing some chores so that I can attend to the kids.
• If I prepare dinner (or several dinners at once) at night after the kids are in bed, I  remove a major source of tension during my busiest afternoon hours. I can change my routine and quickly put dinner in a crockpot in the morning. Now I  have a steaming hot ready meal when everyone comes home.
• If I yell because my kids are not following my directions, perhaps I need to restate my expectations to my children. I may need to institute some consequences or turn off the TV each evening when the evening routine begins.

And this is something that I can use to evaluate any difficulty or challenge that I may be experiencing in my family.

Evaluating a Situation Can Lead to Positive Results

Evaluating a situation to see where to tweak and improve, is so much more positive and uplifting than remaining guilty and beating oneself up. The first leads to growth and positivity, while the second leads to depression and despair.

The silver lining for parents is the ability to recognize when we are feeling guilty and to use that uncomfortable feeling to analyze our situation and make positive changes. Examining the circumstances that cause us pain and undue stress can lead to positive growth and change.  This releases us from the habit of self-degradation, of feeling guilty and berating ourselves.

Wishing you much success and belief in the wonderful parent that you are!

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