No parent wants to see their child being selfish. We want to believe that our children are kind and generous and care for others. And in many cases that is the truth. Our children can be giving and caring and selfless. But what happens in the instances that we do see our children having difficulty sharing, when we do see them being selfish or hoarding things for themselves?

I am reminded of a story that I read in a parenting book many years ago.  The parent, the author of the book, entered the kitchen to see their child hoarding an entire box of crackers to himself. The parent was desperate to reverse this negative pattern that she had seen time and time again. Taking a chance, she literally grabbed the box out of her child’s hands, and said, “Oh it’s so wonderful that you saved the last few crackers for your sister!”

The child was so completely shocked that he didn’t say anything. The mother had created a situation where she was able to praise her child for sharing, even though that wasn’t his intention at all!

Creating Positive Situations

Sound a little extreme? Well possibly. But the moral of the story is that we can create situations that help our children to share. And in doing so, we can encourage them to share and not be selfish.

Let’s say it’s your child’s birthday and you’re planning the party together with your child. What would happen if you asked him/her what s/he thinks his/her friends would enjoy (as opposed to what s/he wants)? It’s a subtle shift but it is a way to send the message that we are thinking of others. It may come out the same in the end, but you have encouraged your child to think about things from a different point of view.

The same holds true if your child is invited to a friend’s birthday party. Instead of just buying a gift for your child’s friend without him/her being involved, you can change the pattern. You can sit down with your child and say. “what do you think so and so would like for their birthday?” If the answer is.”I don’t know,” dig a little deeper. “Well, what does s/he like to do? What kind of toys have you seen at his/her house? What does their family like to do together?”

Your child may not be aware of any of these answers, but you have shown him that rather than just buying anything, it is important to try and think about another’s feelings.

Take Advantage of Opportunities

There are so many opportunities to bring awareness to children. If a neighbor is sick, you can ask your child to bring over some home-made soup or even a library book to read. Explain to your child how lonely a person feels when they are sick and how to make them feel better. Or better yet, take your child over for a visit.

By taking in someone’s mail, or writing thank you notes for a gift, we show that it’s important to think of others. Showing kids that other people’s feelings are  important, will not only teach them to be less selfish,  they may think twice before they hurt others. It is these small messages that we reinforce again and again (as in my book here), that help children develop into more moral human beings.

Make Sure that your Child Does Not See You Being Selfish

When we see negative behavior in our children, we have to check and think about what they are seeing at home. I once was a guest at a very special family’s home. We were having a meal together and dessert had just been served. The doorbell rang and one of the kids saw that a friend was at the door but said there was no ice cream left to serve him. The father of the family immediately took his dessert (before the guest came in) and set it at the end of the table where the guest would sit.

What a powerful lesson this was for his family! Without saying a word, he had taught his children the power of not being selfish and thinking of others. I still remember that powerful lesson, even though it happened many years ago.

If your kids are being selfish towards each other and they are old enough to understand, speak to them about your expectations. Let them know that families need to be there for each other and support each other. Let them know that you value their support and love for each other and that it is important to you that they are kind to each other. This is especially true as children reach adolescence and they tend to be more self-involved.

And finally make sure that your children see you being kind and thoughtful to them and to your spouse. They will mirror what they see at home and how they are treated.

When the Selfishness Continues Despite your Efforts

If we see that our children are still having a really hard time, maybe there are other reasons that they are being selfish. Is there a new baby at home? This could be a difficult transition or make the child feel insecure and perhaps in need of more attention.

Is one of the parents away? Or is your child having difficulty in school? (Learn about ways to make your child more successful in school in my free video course here.) Take some time to see if there may be a source of stress at home or in school, that may be causing your child to cling to his/her selfishness so that s/he feels some control over an otherwise stressful situation.

Very often children will be selfish in order to shield themselves from uncomfortable or difficult situations. If we take some time to find the source of the stress, we can sometimes correct it. The child will then be happier and  able to move on from his/her source of stress.

Taking the time to speak to our children, make them aware of other’s feelings, and look for factors that may be causing their stress will go a long way in to helping our children overcome selfish behavior. Wishing you much success in helping your child to become a more caring and sensitive, thoughtful person. Please comment below, share your experience in helping your children become more caring and thoughtful. Please like and share with your friends!