Who Says That Natural Consequences Are Not Positive Parenting?

Who says that natural consequences are not a part of positive parenting? As parents, our main goal is to prepare children for life. If we don’t allow them to experience natural consequences we cripple them when they go out into the world. Shielding children from the consequences of their actions create entitled children who are shocked when things don’t go their way. It also causes children to be rigid and inflexible in many situations

It is more productive to allow children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. These occur when children choose to abandon the things that they have been taught.

Natural Consequences Prepare Children for Life

It is important to understand that we are not cruel to our children when we allow them to experience consequences. On the other hand, we can’t send them out into the wilds without first teaching them what proper expectations are. This means that we have to think very carefully about preparation and what our children need to know. Only then can we allow them to experience consequences.

As parents, it’s our job to prepare children for whatever they may experience. Of course, we can’t prepare them for every situation and every experience. However, by giving them basic tools we assure that they will function effectively in the world.

So for instance, if we have taught our children that they must fulfill certain responsibilities, we have done our part. We can be assured that when they are not under our guidance, they will use those lessons outside the home.

So let’s take some examples at home. By teaching our children to clean up toys when they finish playing, they learn to put things away at school. When children must clean up their toys, we set a clear expectation about their responsibility. If children don’t clean up toys and we have to clean, then we remove the toy for a few days. When our child has shown us that he/she can put things away where they belong, we return the toy.

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Expectations Require Training

Or let’s say that we have taught our children that they have to put their dirty laundry into the laundry basket in order to be washed. We cannot tell our children once and then expect that they will do it from that time on. Children are young and learning new skills takes time. So it’s important to teach them until they really understand what they need to do and it becomes a habit. Teaching them once or twice and then allowing them to experience natural consequences, would be unfair.

But once we guide them for several weeks and they clearly know the routine, you have filled the requirements to make sure that they do what is expected. Then we can tell our children that from now we expect them to put their clothes in the hamper by themselves. Here again, we continue to guide them. If they forget to put their clothes in the hamper we need to show them that we’ll remind them in the beginning but this is something that is their responsibility and must do on their own.

After we are sure that they understand the routine, and have gained the habit, then we can expect them to do it on their own. And again we are not trying to catch our children out. If something unexpected happens, we are not going to penalize them because of it.

However, if weeks have gone by and we are sure that we have set up a routine that we know our children have followed and are able to follow, then we expect our children to follow through.

So if a child forgets to put his clothes in the hamper or is busy playing and ignores his/her responsibility, then we can allow a child to experience natural consequences.

Natural Consequences Are Not Punishments

It is important to understand that natural consequences are not punishments but rather the consequences that come from not fulfilling a responsibility or following an expectation. So for example, if a child doesn’t get his clothes in the hamper, they don’t get washed.

Again this is not a punishment. You want to wash his/her clothes but the way you wash clothes is by taking the hamper and putting whatever is in the hamper in the washing machine. If something is not in the hamper it won’t be washed. It is difficult for a parent watching his child cry when he doesn’t have clean clothes. However, this is part of allowing our children to experience the natural consequences of their actions.

If we capitulate and continually shield our children from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions, we produce rigid, entitled children who blame others when they mess up, rather then take responsibility for themselves.

The Negative Effects of Shielding Children From Consequences

As a teacher and coordinator in a busy Middle School, I often see parents blame their children’s teachers when they do not do well on a test or forget to write down their homework. This is very sad because it is those same children who are often entitled and uncooperative. Of course, teachers must do the same as parents and train their students to follow directions and write down required due dates, etc. However, when we teach children responsibilities at home, we often see that this training follows through to school. Children take responsibility for their actions in school as well.

As children, we grew into responsible adults because we were taught that the buck stopped at us. And if we forgot a due date or left our lunch home, we would get a zero or be hungry. These experiences taught us that we can’t blame others when we mess up. Parents and teachers are not being cruel when they allow students to experience these natural consequences. To the contrary, they are preparing competent and confident children, who are self-reliant and are prepared to cope with challenges when they go out into the world.

As Parents, We Can Be Compassionate

It is important to remember when our children do experience these natural consequences, that we let this be the child’s experience. We do not have to rub it in and say, “you knew this would happen,” or any negative reference of the sort. We can be compassionate and express our empathy but we should not add more salt to the wound. And at the same time, we do not have to blame him/her or anyone else. We can simply empathize and tell him or her how painful this is, but that we are sure he/she will do better next time.

So natural consequences are definitely a learning experience for our children and a positive one at that. Don’t be afraid to let your child experience them. You will be teaching him/her important and positive lessons, ones that will surely prepare him for life.

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