How to Establish Lasting Trust with Your Children

Trust is one of the most important components in a relationship. If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

I’ve actually been away this week visiting some of my married children. We spent the weekend in a summer type home surrounded by many other families and their children.

The kids had a whale of a time playing with all of the other kids. For the most part, they were able to roam freely and safely. Although l was busy with my kids and grandkids, l witnessed many interactions between different types of parents and children.

Your Response Establishes Trust

One of the most interesting things that l noticed was how different children accepted what their parents told them.

There were children who asked their parents for all types of different things. Some wanted to go to different places with their friends and some wanted things like snacks, food or ice cream.

Some kids wanted their parents to do things for them or get something they weren’t able to get for themselves.

The most interesting thing about all of this was how the kids responded to what their parents told them.

Some of the children easily accepted what their parents told them even if the answer was no! And some of the kids were not happy with the answer, no matter what their parents told them. They would continue to nag and bother their parents until they got exactly what they wanted.

What was interesting was that children who accepted what their parents told them, were not that different from their peers.

It wasn’t that their parents were much stricter than the others or had better control of their children. It was more like these kids felt that their parents really had their best interests at heart. Their parents had established a strong and true bond of trust with them.

In other words, the children understood that if their parents told them no, it meant that what they were asking for something that was really not good for them. They weren’t always happy about the answer. However because there was strong trust in the relationship, they accepted that their parents were making the best decision.

WHAT IS YOUR KID CONNECTION? TAKE MY QUIZ TO FIND OUT

I also noticed that some of these parents would stop what they were doing or stop talking to who they were talking to. They took the time to really explain why what their children were asking would not be beneficial or appropriate.

Their children felt that not only was the request important to their parents, but the child him/ herself was important! They took time to stop what they were doing, consider the request and then explain the reasoning behind their answer. Now that establishes trust in a relationship!

When children come to their parents with a real (or even perceived) need, they need someone to take them seriously. When we as adults speak to someone, we want to know that they are really listening and not just paying lip service.

If children feel that their parents are just brushing them off or not really listening, it damages the natural trust that children have for their parents.

Of course, when parents listen to hundreds of requests a day, they need to continue with what they are doing or else they would never get anything done!

Children Need Adult Input

However, if a child is asking for something that would not be safe or beneficial, and you have to tell him/her no, take a few seconds to explain your reasoning. I don’t mean that a parent always has to give a reason for telling a child no.

However, let’s say a child wants to do something that is really not good for him/her. S/he thinks it’s a great idea, so before just saying no, try to explain why doing so would not be a good thing for him/her. When we as adults have a strong desire, we want to see how we can make it work, even if we have to change our method.

Sometimes as adults, we want to go away on a particular weekend but because of work obligations, etc. we realize that it won’t work out. It doesn’t mean that we give up the idea entirely. We might decide to go on another weekend or make alternate plans closer to home.

A child does not always have the ability to switch gears or understand that s/he can find another way to achieve a similar result. Therefore it’s important that we as parents really listen to what our children are asking.

We want them to feel heard and when we do have to say no to an urgent request, help our children to find alternative ways to achieve their goals.

When that type of trust has been established, when we do have to say an unequivocal no, our kids will know that the no is in their best interest. They will be much more willing to accept what we have to say.

Some children, depending on their personality, have a much easier time accepting a no. These are the children that are generally more easy going and are more laid back.

However it is the kids that have more demanding personalities, that we tend to shove off. These are the children that we may find challenging, or that we may have less patience for. It is specifically these children that will need our attention and explanations.

However, when we do take the time and make these children feel heard, trust is established, and they will be much more accepting of our decisions.

Again we are not talking about explaining or justifying the decisions that you make for your children. It is more about establishing a trust between you and your child. By doing so s/he understands that you always consider his/her best interest. You give answers based on what is really best for him or her and it is clear to your child that you took the time to consider and weigh his/her request.

These are the type of qualities that we as adults would want in any relationship that is worthy of our trust. Therefore it is the very least that we can grant our kids.

Take the time to listen to your kids. By doing so, you will create strong bonds and establish trust. Although this may seem difficult in the beginning, the more your child sees you earnestly responding to his requests the more s/he will trust your counsel. You will have gone the extra mile to establish trust in the relationship and create a lasting bond with your child.

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