Have you inadvertently taught your child that there are no consequences for the choices s/he makes? Do you have a hard time getting your kids to listen? Are you finding yourself having to tell them your kids to do something over and over again?

Change the Pattern

If your directions seem to fall on deaf ears, and after repeating the same request in your most calm and pleasant voice – you suddenly lose yourself and find yourself screaming, then this post is for you.

You are not alone. But this unpleasant pattern can change. Perhaps you’ve used time out? Perhaps you’ve explained, cajoled, reminded and punished and done just about everything you can to change the situation? Yet still, things remain the same.

Bedtime is horrific, zapping your remaining strength just getting your kids into bed. Once they’re in bed they pop out for that one last drink or one last trip to the bathroom.

You know that there has to be a better way but every day the same scenario plays itself out. The promise of a more dignified and respectful household slips further and further away and frantic yelling seems to have become the norm.

This is especially true if you are a person that likes to schedule your day. The routines like getting out of the house in the morning and dinner and bedtime. seem to be spinning out of control.

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Restore Calm with Consequences

So how can we turn around these negative scenarios and find the way to restore calm at home? How can we gain the cooperation of our children and have them adhere to routines?

We can turn things around but we need to think carefully about the choices  that we make and the demands that we set for our kids

I’m sure that the concept of natural consequences is not new to you but how do we use consequences to motivate our children at times like these, before we reach the end of our rope?.

The key is to discuss routines and expectations beforehand and not in the heat of the moment. We need to sit down with our kids, whether they are four or fourteen and explain to them our desires and expectations

Start a Conversation

The conversation might go something like this, “I’ve been noticing that when I say that it’s time to go to bed, you have been going to the coach and continue to watch television long after I have asked you to go into bed.” Your child might say, “yeah it’s hard for me to stop watching when the show is really interesting.”

While you can acknowledge his difficulty, it’s important not to get swayed from your point. “ Yes, I know that it’s hard but I have to make sure that you get enough sleep so that you can be well rested and ready to start your day on time. When you aren’t in bed on time, you have difficulty getting up in the morning.

Therefore, from now on, I will only ask you once to come to bed. If you continue watching, tomorrow there will not be any television when you come home from school” “But Mom, that’s not fair!” “Sorry honey but it’s my job to make sure that you get enough sleep.”

If your child continues to argue you can politely excuse yourself and say that this is the rule and you have other things to do right now.

Be Consistent

Your child may test you the next day, but make sure to carry on with your plan. Walk over to the TV, turn it off and calmly say. “As we spoke about, there will not be any tv tomorrow after school”

This same idea can work with an older child as well. If your child doesn’t come home on time from a night out with his friends etc., sit down with him/her and have a similar conversation.

“I see that you were late coming home tonight. From now on, I expect you to be home by curfew time. If  you will be a few minutes late, please call to let me know that you are held up and why.” If I don’t hear from you and you are more than ten minutes late, you will not be allowed to go out with your friends on the weekend (tomorrow, etc)

Of course, these are general guidelines and every situation is unique. If your son has a flat tire and there is no reception, then obviously you have to be flexible. But again, this should be the exception rather than the norm.

When you set out your expectation in advance and are crystal clear about what you need to see happen, there are no misunderstandings. Your child knows exactly what is expected and knows that there will be consequences if he does not comply with the expectations.

He will also understand that the consequences are not random because they make sense. They are not thrown out in a fit of anger, they are not unfair,  but they match the behavior that was abused.

This makes for a calmer household and teaches your child that there are consequences for his/her choices. It dispels the constant blow ups that happen when a child constantly refuses to listen, reminder after reminder.

In essence, you have put the ball in his/her court. If your child refuses to listen than s/he knows that s/he has brought on the consequence. No surprises, no yelling, no tears.

How to Begin Using Consequences

So how do you begin when things have already spun out of control? You can sit down with your child (or children) and say something like this:

“I have been noticing that you have not been listening when I … ask you to come to dinner, brush your teeth, get ready in the morning… whatever the challenge. From now on, if you are not getting up on time, you will have to be in bed a half hour earlier, or not be allowed to play this video game (if that is the reason that s/he is not coming).

Make sure that you have thought of a consequence that directly relates to the reason your child is not listening. We don’t want this to be a punishment, but rather the consequence of what s/he has chosen.

This teaches him/her real consequences that we experience in life if we make the wrong choices. Our electricity is cut off if we don’t pay the bill. We will get cavities if we don’t brush our teeth, etc.

Consistently implemented, consequences will change the atmosphere in your home. You will gain cooperation and the yelling, cajoling, and nagging will stop. Begin implementing consequences calmly and consistently and you will be happy that you did.

I hope that this will help you to restore calm in your household. You will no longer need to yell or become frustrated. If you follow through, your child will learn that there are consequences to his/her actions and will eventually learn that it doesn’t pay to ignore your expectations.

Wishing you much success on your parenting journey and please drop me a note, like and share, if consequences have restored calm to your home.

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