How to Stop Your Older Child's Tantrums and Boost Confidence

Let’s face it, when our kids are having tantrums at school age, we start to question our parenting. After all, shouldn’t a seven-year-old have grown out of tantrums long ago?

Well maybe, but times they are a-changin’ and we have to look at every child individually.

Many parents have told me that often when their children experience undue stress, the stress leads to tantrums.

Stress and New Transitions Can Lead to Tantrums

For instance, if your child has been fine all summer long, and now that school is starting the tantrums have started as well, this may be a clue.

Some children don’t handle transitions well and transitioning to new schedules and routines can be difficult for them. Not only the routine changes can be difficult but adhering to constant classroom expectations can be difficult.

Even if your child is doing well academically, the new demands in a classroom may be too much and may lead to meltdowns when your child finally comes home. If s/he has held it together all day, you may be getting the brunt of the frustration when your child is finally in his/her familiar surroundings and it is now okay to break down.

So what can you as a mother do to help your child?

Prepare Your Child Ahead of Time

Realizing that your child has trouble transitioning to new routines is the first step. Children have little control over their lives and parents can help their children feel more comfortable by preparing them ahead of time for the challenges.

Starting a new school year can be difficult for children that are anxious or have difficulty regulating their emotions. Parents can make this transition easier by planning ahead. You can read more about this here.

Much of the school day is structured and after a less structured summer, this can feel oppressive to certain children.

When your child is calm and relaxed, have a discussion about the school day. Ask your child what s/he likes about school and what s/he is finding difficult. Listen carefully. While your child may not be able to completely verbalize what is bothering him/her, s/he can probably give you some clues.

If s/he says something like, “we’re never allowed to eat” this may be a clue that your child is having trouble adjusting to the set times to eat in his/her day. Although allowed to snack at recess, your child may be so engrossed in playing (or need the full amount of time to move around). Recess may end before s/he has time to think about eating and then finds that s/he is hungry and irritable in class. If this is the case speak to your child’s teacher to see if s/he can allow your child a few extra minutes to stand outside the classroom and eat their snack.

Talk to your child and explain that the goal of recess is to play and move around, but also to eat a snack if s/he is hungry. Let him/her know that eventually s/he will need to learn to do both

Perhaps your child might say something like, ”I never know what’s going to happen. This may be a sign that your child has difficulty with transitions.

If this is the case you can again speak to your child’s teacher and ask him/her to quietly let your child know that in five minutes this change will be taking place or in a few minutes the class will be lining up to go to the library.

The more information that you can learn from your child, the easier it will be to find a solution.

Emotional Self Regulation

Some children have difficulties with emotional regulation. In a nutshell, this is the ability to calm oneself down when something upsetting happens. You can learn more about this here.

If a child has difficulty with self-regulation, we can help our children handle emotions and express them in healthier ways.

However, this can be tricky because children can become dependent on their parents to soothe their discomfort. Children need to develop ways to manage their own frustration and not depend on others to do it for them. This is a skill that our children will need throughout life.

The above article gives some great ideas. We want to help our child to develop the skills to deal with frustration. This means helping our children before they come to a situation that they find difficult to navigate.

If your child has difficulty stopping screen time and getting ready for bed, break the routine down into a list of steps. This will help your child knows what’s coming. Go over this a few times so that your child is clear about the steps and can ask questions as needed.

Remind him/her that you are starting the new routine tomorrow and then remind him/her again the next day. You can ask if s/he remembers the steps of the routine

It might look something like this:

Before it’s time to shower, I will give you two prompts (a great way to help your child with transitions). The first will be a ten-minute prompt. The second will be a five-minute prompt.
At the end of the five minutes, you will put down the iPad.
You will go take a shower
When you have changed into pajamas and brushed your teeth, I will read you a story

From your point of view, you calmly say to your child “In ten minutes we will be putting down the iPad and going into the shower.” In five minutes remind him/her again, “In five minutes we will be putting down the iPad and going into the shower”

After five minutes, go over to him/her and ask him to put the iPad down and go into the shower.

Self Regulation is a Process and May Take Time

This may not go smoothly the first couple of times. Do not become discouraged or lose your cool. It can take your child time to learn this new skill and self-regulate. However, as you consistently follow the routine, your child will know what to expect and learn the new skill.

This will show him/her that he can deal with disappointments. This will also boost his/her confidence that s/he can do this in other areas.

You can provide valuable feedback to your child throughout the process. If your child ignores the prompts and continues playing do not despair. Give him/her important feedback. “To learn this new skill, you have to put down the iPad even in the middle of a game.”

This may be more challenging for some children than others. Keep in mind that you are teaching your child a skill for life and that s/he will be developing competence for his/her entire future.

Also when your child is calm you can teach him relaxation techniques such as deep breathing. You can prompt your child to take some deep breaths when s/he feels that s/he is starting to lose it.

Children that Have Sensory Processing Deficits May Have Meltdowns which Are Not Tantrums

It is important for parents to realize that some children have sensory processing issues. This is completely different than a child who depends on his/her parents to soothe him/her or seeks attention through tantrums.

Sensory processing issues can lead to another type of meltdown that is usually not in the child’s immediate control. When this child has too many stimuli coming in at one time or is in a very noisy, busy environment, it can lead to a sensory meltdown. This is different than a regular tantrum because a child usually needs to be removed from the confusing or overstimulating situation.

If you sense that your child is about to experience a meltdown you can say to the child, “let’s find a quiet place where we can sit for a few minutes.” Firmly hugging the child from the back can also help to avert a meltdown.

Children with sensory processing disorders will often find a weighted compression vest very helpful. This provides the child with deep touch pressure that has a calming, organizing effect when s/he experiences over stimulation. You can get an unobtrusive vest that is easy to wear and provides your child with a reassuring sensation that eases anxiety here.

You can learn more about sensory processing disorders and their solutions here

When our children have tantrums or meltdowns it can be very disconcerting for parents. However, understanding the difference between tantrums and sensory meltdowns can go a long way toward helping our children cope with the challenges that they are facing. Tantrums and meltdowns are never easy but understanding the causes and preparing beforehand can go a long way in helping our children grow to be stable and productive adults.

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